Filed under: bipolar
According to many
I have a disability.
Really I think its just a matter
of a different-ability.
I see the world
different than
the “typical”
(really what is that?)
and function differently.
My thoughts race
and fight themselves,
or they are slow
and self destructive.
Sometimes I have
lots of energy-
painful nervous energy
that makes me crawl
out of my skin.
Sometime I have
no energy –
a down in the dumps
stay in bed for weeks
blah feeling
But those things don’t
define who I am
for I am a child
of the MOST HIGH
Filed under: Uncategorized
long time since I posted
life has been going on around me
and things were just more important
than typing out thoughts
learning to love grace
healing from pain
trying to love
that is my life
Writing has been therapy
of sorts for me.
Getting all these emotions down
in black and white,
not settling for the shades of gray
that permeate my being right now.
Flat,
that’s how I feel.
No highs,
no lows,
just numbing,
crushing,
draining
flat.
I feel as if I’m being negative –
a part pooper on my own blog –
a boring,
1 dimensional person.
Left feeling that life
is a line with no variance –
no dips or swirls
to make each day unique.
It is one of those seasons
where believing in God
is difficult.
I could wax poetic
but that couldn’t convey
the depth of the struggle
to daily say
God is good.
Yes
God is good.
I feel very blessed
that I have a psychiatrist that is my partner
not my enemy
on this journey with bipolar.
He takes time
listening to me
taking my opinions and feelings
and making decisions with me.
When the side effects were too bad
then he changed my meds –
told me he doesn’t want
to be the cause of another depressive episode.
He can only schedule me for a half hour appointment
but he takes every minute
laughs with me
makes sure I’m going to therapy
makes sure I’m taking my meds –
asks me how work is –
and even more impressive –
he remembers that I work in a daycare
(without checking his notes).
In general
he makes me feel not crazy –
I’m just a normal person with a brain disorder
that makes it hard for me to keep a job
remember to do my chores
or take care of day to day details without help.
I feel empowered
to make decisions about my own treatment plan.
I feel at peace
with the plan that we are putting in place.
I would rather not ever have this thing
called biploar I, mixed states,
but since I have to have it
I am thankful for a Godly treatment team.
Filed under: Uncategorized
For my first submission at Elizabeth Esther’s blog I have chosen my entry titled “Fabric” which I wrote about a rare bit of inspiration I got last week.
Filed under: Poetry
hit by a welcome bit of inspiration
i found myself at the store
gazing over printed calicos
wishing to make something beautiful
for a sweet princess
age 8
4 yards of fabric and
3 spools of thread later
i am struck with how the seemingly simple
can be made beautiful
a few stitches here
a couple snips there
add a couple feet of elastic
something beautiful
out of simple threads
wove into fabric
cut into strips
and sewn together with love
my sewing machine awaits
begging for a chance
to change these fabrics
into dress up clothes
church skirts
a little girls dream
I find it funny
how my best laid plans
change in a beat of the heart
now I’m questioning
all the things
I thought out
and wondering
what God has in-store instead
Filed under: work stuff
I made a large purchase
reading curriculum for my tutoring business
I’m getting more students than I can handle while working
I hope to be self-employed in the next year
if I keep getting students like this
maybe soon
late at night
the only noise
the sound of the air conditioner
and the gentle tapping
of fingers on the keyboard
I’m lost pondering
mysteries
of life and death
and God
how He cares
when He need not care
He loves
when He need not love
He encourages
when I do not deserve
such encouragement
an aching
in my heart
for eternity
opens the door
to heavenly reality
for He is love
incarnate
He is encouragement
incarnate
He is care
incarnate
and I
am but man
broken by sin
held captive
by my own weakness
but more so
held captive
by Love
by Care
by Encouragement
incarnate
There is an ache in all my bones,
it screams for me to rest, to sleep,
a happy exhaustion.
Time with friends,
prayer, truth,
laughter, tears,
can wear you out.
At the same time,
it leaves you refreshed.
Finding my voice again 